My Relationship with Writing 

Whenever I thought about my relationship with writing, I imagined one of two things. First that writing and I had a sexy lil' love affair. Just like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City I'd sit down on a Friday night after a long hard day at my joe job, pour myself a glass of Malbec, and write something funny, smart and profound that means something to people. The other scenario was that writing and I were best friends. So, like any good best friend would, I'd take my laptop to a coffee shop around the corner, buy it a fancy latte and spend the entire afternoon creating hilarious content for the masses. 

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Yet, whenever I try and do that, my anxiety steps in. Very quickly things turn into  "Stress in the City". I can't seem to shut my anxious brain off and step into the creative shoes of a comedy writer. I should be thinking beginning, middle, and end. Instead, I'm thinking "I should probably fold the laundry before I get to writing," "Oh God those yams in the fridge are probably rotten," "I need to reduce my waste footprint. The coffee cups and plastic bags have got to STOP."

My anxiety constantly gets in the way of my writing. I have been told to start writing by finding your point of view, asking what's the piece really about? and who is it for? When I don't have the answers to all of those simple questions, I begin to question why I am even writing in the first place. Then I cross my arms over my chest and slip down the dark spiral water slide that is anxiety. I begin to question the big picture and whittle away all confidence I have.

"People are going to think I am not qualified to be writing about comedy."

"I will sound stupid because I don't have a University degree for writing."

"I should go back to school, but for what? What do I want to do with my life?!"

Then my chest tightens, my eyes well up with tears, and I slam my laptop shut. And that's the end of that. I realized that this is not a fun and normal thing that happens to people every time they sit down to write. So, I started to write down all those big scary thoughts. Maybe if I wrote them down, I could find some sort of meaning to what feels like madness. In the end I found out that my current point of view is worried and pretty sad, but I like to think I'm also kind of funny. I found out it felt better to keep writing something instead of getting overwhelmed, giving up and retiring to the couch for another evening of 5 hours of Netflix. Even if that something is writing about anxiety and or depression. Just because it's not funny doesn't mean it won't be a success. Remember The Notebook? That was devastating, and yet, people loved it. 

Some days, when I make myself laugh, or think of a funny sketch idea, I get flashes of the silly little kid I know I could be. She's still there. She's just being weighed down by a wet depression blanket right now. But when I can just get myself to write, she perks up and I can sigh in relief. It's when I write that I'm reminded she's in there, bouncing around waiting to be released. 

I'll end with a little note to self: You can write about whatever you want. Not everything you put out there will be good but that shouldn't stop you from doing it. Also don't worry about what people think because no one cares! 

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